The Healthiest Birth Control On The Block

The annual gyno visit—it's the same drill every year. After we've been violated with cold jelly lube, Dr. Vag asks whether we're sexually active, how many people we're sleeping with and what kind of birth control we're using. Then comes the pitch for a new and improved prescription birth control. Oh, and free samples!

There are so many types of birth control these days—implants, injections, insertions, ingestions, list goes on. It can all be a bit confusing. But one thing we're not confused about is how scary birth control can be. Let's look at the options:

THE PILL, THE PATCH, THE RING—HORMONAL BIRTH CONTROL:
The most popular form of birth control is the pill. Even though there are many different types of the pill, all of them use hormonal alteration methods to decrease your chances of getting pregnant. The pill, the patch and the ring (NuvaRing) are all made of synthetic hormones used to control and trick your body. They're typically laboratory-made (synthetic) estrogen or progestin based. Anything that artificially alters hormonal levels in your body is bad, bad news.

Hormones play a major role in the body. You don't want to mess with them. Remember the research that came out about the dangers of hormone replacement therapy? It was a shit show. Major risks of breast cancer, heart disease, stroke and blood clots. Since HRT usage rates have decreased, female cancer rates have fallen dramatically. Think of the pill as another form of hormone therapy. It's dangerous, too. It's known to cause blood clots, stroke, heart disease, high blood pressure, melasma, depression, weight gain and a bunch of other possible fatal side effects. Sorry ladies, we can't imagine getting rid of acne is worth taking something that could possibly end your life. But hey, when people visit your open casket, at least you'll be zit free.

Here's something else to consider:

Birth control “pills” are really birth control “drugs” with far-reaching, potentially disastrous results to your health. Birth control pills or oral contraceptives are SYNTHETIC hormones that the body is not designed to handle. Long term use increases the user's risk of developing serious chronic illness as this study highlights. In addition, birth control pills can deplete the following nutrients:

    •    Vitamin B2
    •    Vitamin B6
    •    Vitamin B12
    •    Folic Acid
    •    Vitamin C
    •    Magnesium
    •    Zinc

Before using any synthetic hormones, become informed about the risks. An excellent, very readable author is Dr. John Lee who discusses the benefits of natural hormones as well as the negative effects of synthetic hormones. 

The contraceptive pharmaceutical commercials say "at risk" people at have an increased risk of stroke and blood clots. We call it a cop out. If you have a vagina and a vascular system, you're at risk. Nobody is exempt. You never know how a person will react to any medications. It's like Russian roulette. Messing around with hormones, especially synthetic ones, is dangerous and can be deadly. For anyone. Including you.

Did you know it also decreases sexual libido? Does that make any sense at all? The purpose of getting on the pill in the first place is to prevent pregnancy, since you're having all this rabbit sex.

The newest types of hormonal birth control are ones that allow you to suppress your menstrual cycle so you only get your period once every 4 months or even once a year. You've heard of Yaz, Yasmin, Seasonale, Seasonique, to name just a few. Ladies, bottom line—it's just not normal to skip your periods. How were these drugs ever allowed into the marketplace? How can any logically thinking doctor possibly recommend and prescribe these to patients? These became quite popular until enough women died. Now they're being recalled and class action lawsuit commercials are interrupting our favorite episodes of Glee. Here's the Yaz lawsuit:

Yaz Side Effects Lawsuit

Our team of attorneys is currently representing women who have suffered Yasmin and Yaz side effects while using this relatively new contraceptive or Generic Yasmin birth control (Ocella) and helping families and individuals who have developed blood clots, gallbladder disease, or suffered from a stroke or heart attack in filing a Yaz lawsuit.

Recently, women who have suffered from Yasmin problems have been increasingly coming forward to report their injuries. Serious side effects of Yaz including blood clots, stroke, and heart attack along with gall bladder disease and pancreatitis have been linked with women using the birth control. Consumer groups and some members of the medical community are questioning Yaz side effects and the increased risk for blood clots and strokes. Yaz, Yasmin andOcella are considered “fourth generation” combination birth control pills. They contain a newer type of synthetic progestin called drospirenone. This contraceptive is one of the most popular contraceptives and has been heavily marketed to women throughout the United States promoting its use in treating premenstrual syndrome (PMS) and premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD).

Wow, these drugs have really outdone themselves. In addition to blood clots, stroke and all the other usual side effects, they've successfully added gall bladder disease, pancreatisis and heart attacks. Way to go, big pharma.

IUDs:
Intrauterine devices are small T-shaped things implanted into the uterus. These can last up to twelve years—there's your first red flag. There are two flavors of IUDs—a copper one and a hormone one. You already know why we can't recommend the hormone one. The copper one isn't a good alternative either. It's dangerous, but not because of hormones. Copper is a very important metal in our bodies. But it can wreak all kinds of havoc if it's out of balance with other key nutrients like zinc. So when you insert a foreign piece of copper into your body, it creates an imbalance that disrupts all the systems of the body. Your body has to overcompensate to offset it. This can cause all sorts of problems including but not limited to thryoid and adrenal function. There's even been recent talk of pulling copper IUDs off the market.

BARRIER METHODS:
Barriers are devices such as condoms, diaphragms and sponges. We love the condom idea since there are no hormones or deadly side effects. And they prevent STDs, which other forms of birth control do not. Personally, we exclusively use condoms. Yes, married people use condoms. For us, it's either that or the ol' poke and hope.

NOW THAT YOU KNOW:
Ladies, your period happens every month for a reason. Don't try to stop it or manage it with birth control pills. Let it flow! Condoms are the Guru Girls approved, healthiest form of birth control. Sure, they're a little inconvenient at first. No doubt you'll have to listen to your dude complain and bitch. And bitch some more. But he'll get used to it. And one day, he'll forget what sex is like without a condom. Riddle him this, would he rather use a condom, or not have sex at all?

Knowing all the side effects and dangers, we cannot recommend the pill or any other types of hormonal birth control. In many cases, doctors will even prescribe the pill to help alleviate PMS and PMDD, which are now considered diseases and therefore need to be "cured" with prescription drugs. Really? Since when did cramps, bloating and general bitchiness become a disease?

Embrace your period. It's normal to have symptoms during this time of the month. If you're looking to make it more comfortable, try some of these methods we mention here. We know it's not super fun, especially when it ruins your vacation nookie time. But consider celebrating this beautiful part of being a woman. It allows us to get pregnant, have babies and spend significant amounts of bonding time with Cherry Garcia and Molly Ringwald movie marathons. Besides, how else would we get a monthly hall pass for being a colossal bitch? Yeah, we think we can live with that.